Should You Break Up Before You Go Traveling?


Lauren in Tulum

Last updated: 1st April 2018.

 

When I originally decided I wanted to travel after college, there was no question over who I would go with. I was in a long-term relationship at the time, so made plans for my boyfriend and I to pack our bags, snap up a one-way ticket, and get the hell out of there.

After sharing these plans with him, I was overjoyed when he confessed he’d always dreamed of seeing the world, and was totally down for doing so with me. We bought guidebooks, printed out maps, and began to put together an itinerary for a trip that was certain to change our lives.

And then we broke up.

Funnily enough, my boyfriend went travelling across the United States for three months, and a month into the trip, decided he no longer wanted to be with me. I moved out of our house and back in with my parents, attempted to piece my life back together again, and shelved my plans of travel.

I mean, it wasn’t like I could travel alone. Why would anybody choose to do that?

Unless they didn’t have any friends, of course.

No, I was going to study hard, work on building myself back up, and hopefully find somebody who was as into travel as I was at some point in the future.

Lauren in Acadia National Park

Travel blogs were my saving grace.

As I was mindlessly googling yet another country I was desperate to visit, I stumbled across a travel blog written by a solo woman traveller. She’d been travelling across Southeast Asia for the past four months and was having the time of her life. As I read her blog posts and, through them, discovered even more fearless women who were travelling solo like it wasn’t a big deal, I was convinced.

I made the announcement immediately to friends and family: I was going to travel the world alone.

I was spellbound by the idea of solo travel, and I filled my days reading articles extolling the many benefits of throwing on a backpack and experiencing unlimited freedom. I started putting together my own itinerary that would see me going to the places I wanted to visit and doing the things I wanted to do most. Not having to worry about what anyone else wanted to do was liberating, although a little terrifying at the same time.

Lauren at Lions Head, Cape Town

Of course, life had other plans, and while I was busy plotting my round-the-world adventure, I met someone new and began to fall in love.

I could have invited them to come with me on my trip. I could have compromised and shortened the length of it or added in destinations they wanted to visit. I could have skipped back to square one and begun planning a trip for two instead of one once more.

I didn’t want to.

I had become so enamoured by the idea of solo travel that I wanted to go it alone. I wanted to see the world on my own terms and hookup with hot strangers and build up my confidence and independence. I wanted to be selfish and throw myself wholeheartedly into my experiences around the world without having to worry about Skyping someone back home.

Lauren with her backpack

I broke up with him to see the world, and I count it as one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Travelling solo changed my life.

I gained all I’d hoped for and more. I developed a sense of independence and levels of confidence I’d never had before. My anxiety disorder melted away and my panic attacks ceased. I fell in love with food, I fell in love with hostels, I fell in love in Southeast Asia.

I fell in love with a guy, too. A traveller who I’ve now been exploring the world with for seven wonderful years. He’s a guy who encourages me to see the places I want to, alone if necessary. He doesn’t try to clip my wings, and so we often travel separately. He understands why solo travel is my jam, but is only too happy to come along for the ride if I want him to. He’s the best possible fit for me, and that wouldn’t have been the case if I hadn’t travelled alone before meeting him.

So that’s my story.

Let’s get into the nitty-gritty of this post, though. Should you break up with someone to go travelling?

Lauren at the Tropic of Capricorn

Maintaining a Long-Distance Relationship While Traveling

Let’s be honest: nobody thinks long-distance relationships are fantastic. They’re not. They’re hard work, stressful, exhausting, and require a lot of trust and commitment. You need a strong and stable relationship in order to make them work — especially if you’re planning on being away for a year or even two. But sometimes they’re a necessity, and if you’re desperate to head out into the world alone, you have to work out whether you can handle it.

You’re likely going to have to pull yourself out of your travel experience to spend time virtually with your partner on a regular basis, because as supportive as they may be, they’re not going to be thrilled about being neglected for months on end while you have the time of your life. That might mean skipping out on a tour with friends, avoiding a bar crawl, and saying no to an invitation in order to Skype with your partner.

The good news is that it’s easier than ever to keep in touch, so in 2018, you won’t need to write postcards, hunt down pay phones, and sweat in internet cafes — you’ll just need to bring your phone or laptop with you, and use Facebook/WhatsApp/Skype to keep in touch.

And there are some benefits to maintaining a relationship while you travel. In my experience, travel makes the heart grow fonder. Every time I take a solo travel adventure away from my boyfriend, I spend much of the trip missing him, realising how much I value his presence in my life, and seeing the relationship as a brighter star in my universe. There are times in our relationship where we spend so much time together that I’m desperate for a break, and as soon as I get one, I’m craving returning home with all my animosity forgotten.

I’ve written in depth before about how wonderful travel is for personal transformation, and developing into a better human by travelling is only going to improve your relationship. Setting off and gaining greater independence, confidence, life experience, and self-esteem is going to help you transform into a kickass person and the open-mindedness and patience you’ll likely obtain will help improve the relationship.

One huge benefit to travelling solo with a partner back home is having a tie to reality. Travelling long-term can be a bit of a Peter Pan existence. One where you drink beer for breakfast, laze on the beach all day, and party all night. It’s a lifestyle where you can do whatever you want wherever you want whenever you want and with whoever you want, and while that sounds incredible, it can make it tough to reintegrate with normal society after many months of freedom. Having a partner back home keeps you grounded, keeps your ties to everyday life, and talking to them will give you routine and habit in a life that typically has little.

Girl on beach in Tonga

Consider Opening up the Relationship

Skip this section if the mere thought of non-monogamy sends tsunamis of terror into your soul. Open relationships aren’t for everyone — they’re not for me — but neither is monogamy. For the people who do open relationships well, they do them well.

If you’re open to an open relationship, it can provide the perfect way to see the world without leaving your needs unmet. Read this article for a primer on non-monogamy, subscribe to Savage Love and everything Dan Savage writes, as well as the podcasts, Savage Lovecast and Guys We F*cked.

You’ll want to make sure your relationship is strong, that your partner is as open to the idea as you are, that you both trust each other, and have excellent communication skills. You’re going to want to ensure you’re both on the same page about what will and won’t be allowed, be willing to spend many hours coming up with ground rules, and decide how much information you’ll divulge to the other.

Lauren hiking in New Zealand

If You’re Not Sure, Maintain the Relationship to See

One of the big reasons why I wanted to break up with my partner to travel was because I didn’t want to meet someone on the road and feel as though I couldn’t pursue it. And yes, the fact that I did feel this way probably did show that they were not the person for me. If you’re feeling the same way, but not wanting to take such a huge step in case you later regret it, just delay making the decision.

Yes, it’s perhaps not the most ethical of decisions, to set off travelling to see if you meet someone better, but I know that if I was in the position of the person who was left behind at home, I’d much prefer my partner leave with an open mind, discover I’m the one for them, and come back to me after an amazing trip around the world, rather than just break up with me because they were hoping for something better.

There’s no harm in heading out to travel while in a relationship with the mindset that if you meet someone else or realise you don’t want to be with that person anymore you’ll end things from your dorm room. Give travelling solo while in a relationship a go and see how it works. It might be easier than you ever expected and you might leave to discover the person for you is the one waiting patiently for you at home.

Lauren in the Atlas Mountains

So When is Breaking Up the Right Decision?

Statistically and realistically, your relationship is probably not going to survive.

It’s brutal, I know, but it’s also the reality. Why? Relationships have a poor success rate, people change, and you’re definitely going to change.

It’s a bit like seeing freshmen at college turn up at the start of the year. Each year, they arrive in their thousands, with many determined to maintain a relationship from back home. Predictably, these relationships die off one by one as people embrace the new experiences, and romantic “opportunities” open up to them. I should know — a previous partner of mine went to college, found someone else, and broke up with me within six months of starting class.

New experiences change people, and this changes relationships. When you travel, you’re relentlessly bombarded with new experiences. You’ll be constantly mixing it up with new cultures, people and situations. Your mind will be opened, you’ll change your life, and you won’t be sharing any of it with your partner. Don’t underestimate the effect this can have — volunteering projects, in particular, can be life-changing.

So you change and your partner back home basically stays the same. When this happens and you do manage to stay together, there’s often an awkward situation where you gets back home and you both realise things aren’t the same.

You’re different.

You’re strangers.

You’ve changed your life and they weren’t there to do the same, or really understand what you experienced.

On top of that, being young, free, single and on the backpacking trail is an experience that might only come around once in your lifetime. Do you want to throw that away by staying loyal to an unproven relationship? You don’t want to one day regret not throwing yourself wholeheartedly into the opportunities travelling brings.

Lauren at Tulum

Finding the Right Answer

As I said at the top of the post, the right answer depends on your own situation. If you’ve got something amazing and have a proven relationship, then staying together might be the right call. But if things are pretty casual, on the rocks, or your heart’s not really in it any more it might be best to head off with a clean slate and come back with no regrets — loyalty isn’t really the best primary reason to stick things out.

For me personally, it was best for me to break up with my partner before I set out to travel. I met some amazing people, had some incredible experiences, and met the perfect person for me four months into my trip. I’m so glad I didn’t have someone back home to agonise over when I met the love of my life in Thailand.

 

What do you think? Is it best to break up to go travelling or should you do your best to make it work?

Share this post:

Previous Month 23: Travel Summary and Statistics
Next Answering Your Questions About Travel and Life

11 Comments

  1. Dalene
    February 3, 2018
    Reply

    Thank you for this, Lauren.

    I decided to break up with my boyfriend to travel because he told me I wasn’t allowed to go alone but that he didn’t want to travel with me either! He wanted me to stay at home and it sent alarm bells ringing in my head. I’m now two months into my trip – currently in Borneo and loving it! Made so many friends and feel as though this trip has already changed my life. Best decision I ever made was to go it alone.

    Thanks for all you do on this website.

    • Lauren
      March 22, 2018
      Reply

      It sounds like you made the right decision, Dalene. And I’m in Borneo too right now! How funny. Glad to hear you’re enjoying your trip and have ditched the controlling boyfriend :-)

  2. Mao
    May 15, 2018
    Reply

    It’s difficult for my partner to understand, the urge to travel, and you are right. I feel like the more I travel, the more we are growing apart.

    Thanks for sharing, you make me feel better.

  3. Ant
    August 17, 2018
    Reply

    I traveled for 3 months and remained in my relationship with whom I have been with for nearly 9 years. I loved solo traveling although before I left I was quite scared. I would of gone with my partner but his commitments to work means he can not do more than two weeks at a time! This was nearly 2 years ago, I thought I had scratched that itch but it’s come back and I really want to travel again

    • Lauren
      August 21, 2018
      Reply

      It happens! Every time I think I am done with travel, I find myself looking at plane tickets a few months later.

  4. Rick
    September 1, 2018
    Reply

    Interesting point … for example I started my travels around the world at my 18 years of age and even though it was not something my parents wanted very much, I followed my adventurous heart and I have been through more than 20 countries so far.

    Traveling is something that to me is addictive and incredible. But I only find it interesting when you have a cash income that does not depend on physical means to win. And I also really prefer to travel by car on the roads than by plane.

    You miss a lot of incredible things like amazing landscapes and places. But unforeseen events can happen and something unexpected happens. It is always great to be able to read and learn new tips and experiences on nomadism.

    I love traveling the world too :)

  5. Rogerio
    September 1, 2018
    Reply

    This is an interesting subject. I am a nomad for 3 years and I have lived incredible experiences for the places I have already spent. The cool thing about traveling around the world is that we experience many different cultures, as well as being able to try different cuisines and visit beautiful places such as beaches and tourist sites.

  6. Jennifer
    November 17, 2018
    Reply

    It’s interesting reading something like this, as I’ve come across it in a bout of major homesickness from my boyfriend. We’ve been together for about 10 months now (known each other for ten years) and I’ve spent the last three months teaching abroad in what is going to be a year-long commitment to South Korea.

    The interesting thing is that this article made me feel loads better about my situation. I can say with full certainty that I’m with the love of my life and I never once thought I was missing out on any experience by not looking for someone else. If anything, in the past few months we’ve fallen more in love with each other than we were before.

    We keep in touch all the time; I’ll even video call him when I’m out on adventures. I make sure that I experience new things while still keeping him included. We’ll talk about our days at work, or our friends, or our favorite places to eat. I’ll talk about new cultural experiences and he’s the most supportive and encouraging person I’ve ever met in my life.

    So while I think it’s true that people will change a lot, you don’t change at your core. And if you’re in a strong enough relationship, you already know who the other person is and you’re kept updated on the new changes. Before this relationship, I never would’ve considered trying to make something work. But I think it’s good for people to know that sometimes you just know when it’s worth it.

  7. Michelle Lai
    December 4, 2018
    Reply

    Wow Lauren, your blog has tremendously MOVED me! I am so grateful to have stumbled upon your site. My adventurous heart has been sheltered for the past couple months because of “adulting” circumstances and 3 year relationship with my boyfriend. I have always searched relentlessly for destinations and flights while at my desk at work. I’m ready to scratch my itch to travel again, but this time SOLO! Something I’ve never done before. Thank you for this helpful post.

  8. Briana
    February 9, 2019
    Reply

    Really interesting read as i am looking to travel do solo travel too before i’m 25.
    No offence though… just like you predicted, you lost me at the whole polygamy part.
    I have a friend (35yrs old) who unfortunately took the temptation for this lifestyle and is now not in a good place in terms of ‘health’ due to a failed contraception. The man she slept with did not bother to mention when condom had broke, she only saw it after. He also failed to inform her that he was hiv positive even after doing the deed. She had no idea she caught something until 6 months later (It didn’t show up for a while on her tests). Although her main partner back at home never contracted it (he was mostly sleeping with other women during the time and my friend and him used protection when they got down to business). Her main partner ALSO has had his fair share of sexual health problems which fortunately can be cured with antibiotics.
    Be careful with your body. It just takes that one time and one slip up and those people you slept that you may never see again might have messed up your life. Trust me that lifestyle isn’t worth it. The people you might potentially sleep with also should know your lifestyle too so they can make informed choices. Sex should be with people you trust and know even if you are not partners, you should know them. People like you put other people at risk. Skin to skin contact is all it takes for some diseases. i don’t mean to bother you but i really hope it makes you think twice before giving in to temptation. Many pleasurable things are disguised as good but in reality they have HUGE down falls. Respect your body like its own entity that you have the obligation to look after and stop letting unnecessary impulses/desires in your mind govern actions that might impact the body you should look after. Take a vibrator or something with you when you go abroad or something or take a friend you’re cool about sleeping with.

    • Lauren
      February 10, 2019
      Reply

      Eh, it works for some, it doesn’t work for others. For what it’s worth, I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over seven years and have always been monogamous, but I’m also aware that that’s not the only way and there are many people who are fulfilled by ethical non-monogamy. I suggest you better educate yourself and try not being so judgemental.

      “Sex should be with people you trust and know even if you are not partners, you should know them. People like you put other people at risk.” — what makes you think that non-monogamy means having sex with people you don’t know and don’t trust? Sorry to hear about your friend, but this could have happened if she had been in a monogamous relationship with an asshole, too. The people I know who are in open relationships are some of the safest, actually, making sure their partners are tested regularly for STDs, for example, and dating only people they know well and for years at a time.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published.